Still Waiting...

God this week has gone by so slow. Tomorrow is the day I go in to the docs to see if I can get any more answers. On one hand I don't even want to go, because I finally have been coping with the news that I got. I don't want to recieve any more bad news, and then feel sad and helpless until my next appointment. On the other hand I am hoping for more information and a better understanding of what I might be dealing with. The doc did tell me that there is a rare chance that when I get another ultrasound it could be normal, well that is what I am hoping for. If I ended up developing antibodies in my RH negative blood, which only happens in 2% of pregnancies, or my child might have hydrocephalus which occurs in 1 out of every 1000 births, then maybe that rare chance of everything turning out alright might happen to me. It's funny how it's always the rare bad stuff that happens to me, none of the good stuff, like winning the lottery or something. If it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck.
I think this baby wants to fight to be here, since I have had scares throughout my whole pregnancy, like the placenta previa, when the doctor told me my pregnancy was definately at risk, then the RH thing, now this. I feel like if all this has happened, and the baby is still alive and kicking then there is a reason for that. Josh has always said everything happens for a reason, and I've always thought that was bullshit, but now I have a feeling he could be right. I know I haven't always appreciated what I do have, and I have definately taken things for granted in the past. I honestly feel now that if I could just have happy and healthy kids, then that is all that matters. I will be satisfied with my life, and I'll never ask for anything else.
I keep going back and forth wondering if I will be able to handle all this. For some reason everybody around me thinks i'm this strong person, and I don't think that at all, I think they believe that because I don't show weakness or vulnerbility around anyone (Josh excluded). When I talk to people about this I make them think that everything will be ok, that I'm not scared shitless, when the truth is that I am. My family has a way of dealing with horrible things by cracking jokes and laughing about it, and I think that has definately helped me through some hard times, but it also has kept me from dealing with my true feelings. My sister and I even joked about having a handicapped child. "Well now we can park in the handicapped spots, like all the fat people at Wal-Mart, except you'll actually have a real reason to park there", or "maybe you can get a free wheelchair ramp ot of the deal". It may seem a little sick, but that's how we deal. I remember on the first year anniversary of my daughters death, who died from an accidental drowning. We were watering some plants we had planted and my cousin says "maybe we shouldn't be doing that, I mean honestly would you want water poured all over your grave if you had drowned" I looked at him kind of shocked for a minute, but then started cracking up. I swear even at funerals we're randomly laughing and making fun of things. Ok actually seeing this on paper, I think we're all sick and need some counseling ( :
Ok so I will be updating everything that has happened after I get home from the docs tomorrow, so here is my official prayer for a miracle, even if I'm not sure there is someone there to answer them. I guess it can't hurt.