Lilah's Here!!!

As you all know I was scheduled for my C-Section for 7:30 yesterday morning. They were right on time, thank god for small favors. I was so scared I didn't sleep the whole night. Speaking with the anestegiologist that morning put some of my worries to rest, although she said there is a slight chance we place the spinal too high and you might have trouble breathing. Now with my anxiety problems, when someone tells me I might have trouble breathing I swear my mind will trick me into thinking I can't breathe. Well they wheeled me in and placed the spinal, which was not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be, and I was instantly numb. They laid me back and put the curtain up. The doctor was amazing, he was cracking jokes the whole time telling me how I was the perfect patient, and how I didn't seem scared and how good I was doing. What most people don't know is when I appear to be calm it means that I am REALLY scared shitless. He calls Josh in, so I thought he was about to get started, what I didn't realize was that he had already started, and it was literally like 3 minutes after they called Josh in that she was out. Josh of course was facinated by all of this, he definately isn't squeemish, he actually thinks it's "cool". She came out pretty purple so I was worried for a couple minutes, and I didn't hear her cry at all, but then she pinked right up and started crying. It wasn't the strongest cry, but it was there nonetheless. I really had a weird calmness about me. It was very surreal. I think I was almost in shock. The funny thing is I had all these horrible thoughts of what she might look like, but when she came out to me she was perfect (although all moms say this I'm sure) She was born at 7:58 and weighed 4 pounds 3 ounces (more than I thought) and was 17 inches, she looked tiny, but I wasn't that shocked or anything by her size. I started to feel a little light headed and weird, but again my vitals looked good, so I think it was just a combination of lack of sleep, and all the craziness going on around me. I got to see her briefly before they brought her up to the NICU.

They wheeled me up to recovery and told me that when I started getting sensation back in my legs they would wheel me up on the bed to see her. I immeditaley started feeling sick as soon as the wheeled me into recovery, and I pretty much spent 8 hours throwing up anything I put into my mouth, even a sip of water. They brought me up to see her, and she ended up having to be on a ventilator, which isn't really a rare thing in a 33 week preemie. I visited with her for a couple minutes and they wheeled me back down. This is when my tempature started to drop and I developed hypothermia. They think it was a side effect of the spinal, it was weird because I wasn't cold, I was actually sweating.My temp was 93, so they had to stick me inside this "bear hug" thing that heats you up. I thought I was going to die I was so hot. I had no pain, but I guess the spinal works for up to 24 hours with pain management, and I definately felt it this morning. Unfortunately they can't really give me anything stronger than a motrin, because I am pumping my milk for her. I wasn't planning on breastfeeding initially, but it is the best thing for preemies to help with their weight gain, and immune systems.

Dr. Allen came in yesterday briefly after installing the drain, and informed us that the swelling was worse than they thought, and after taking some of the fluid out they found a tiny cyst, which could be evidence of a stroke. This doesn't necessariyl mean anything different, he still gave us the same odds of 50% cerebral palsy, but he also said the preemie brain sometimes has a way of "re-routing" itself and it would just be a wait and see thing. I know they don't like giving you any false hope, but it's also nice to know that everybody is different and nothing is set in stone. The doctor who delivered me said that he has seen traumatic brain injuries in babies that made miraculous recoveries, I know he isn't a neurologist, but it's nice to hear a positive word from a doctor.

They took my catheter out today so I was able to get around, and I felt alot better. I was able t0 eat something, and surprisingly I slept pretty well last night. I was starting to get a little bit weepy, I have stayed pretty strong so far, but I think everything was just starting to catch up to me, so Josh went up to the NICU to see how Lilah was doing, and she was off the ventillator, had her eyes open, and was looking all around. He took a picture of her for me and it made me feel alot better. He also arranged for them to keep a wheelchair outside my door so he can bring me up there when I want. I was feeling a lot stronger so he brought me up , and I got to hold her little hand and visit with her for a while. It was just what I needed to get me out of my funk. It is a weird feeling to see your child and not be able to hold them or comfort them, I feel like I might miss out on the bonding process lol It also made me miss Chevelle and Ethan horribly. I don't want them to feel neglected. They got the chance to see her yesterday, so I was real happy about that. They are already so in love with her, as we all are! Kristin and Kat came yesterday too, and Kristin was like she looks so normal, like she was expecting her to have two heads or something haha I am going to try to get some more rest, becasue kristie is bringing up my mom and her mother from Mass to visit. I am looking forward to seeing everyone, and we are continuing to take thing one day at a time, and focusing on all the positive things no matter how little they may seem.