Shunt Failure

I know, I know you're probably getting sick of me saying I don't have a computer so updating is a near impossible task lol So this might be a little on the long side. On June first, Lilah had her first shunt failure, something I was somewhat expecting since it's basically just a matter of time. Although it is something you expect, I would say you can never fully prepare yourself for it, or know what it's going to be like until it happens. In the days leading up to our ER visit, Lilah hadn't been feeling well. She had been uncharacteristically fussy. She was throwing up after every meal. The first day or so I didn't really pay much mind to it because there had been a stomach bug going around, my son had had it. I thought Lilah may have caught it. The second day she was sleepy and really had no energy. Again I thought this may be because she had a virus. I decided that if she wasn't better in the morning I would call her doc. I noticed that night that she kept waking in the middle of the night crying and hitting herself in the side of the head. That really worried me, needless to say, I didn't get much sleep that night. The next morning I was going to get my kids on the bus and off to school, then call Dr. Landes. When I got up I tried to wake Lilah, she was pretty much non responsive. She would open her eyes for about two seconds then fall back asleep. She was a very pale color also. I made a decision right there to bring her straight to the ER. The unresponsiveness was so worrisome that I was debating on calling an ambulance. My sister said we should just get her there as fast as possible. When we arrived 15 minutes later at the ER, they took her in right away. The ER doc looked her over and said, I think we're looking at a very sick girl, if it's not her shunt then she probably has some nasty virus. At this point I was in a way hoping it was her shunt. While it would require surgery, at least I knew what to expect, that it was a pretty common, simple surgery. With some unknown virus, I would have to worry about them finding what it was, and hopefully giving her the right antibiotics to treat it. I was thinking to myself if it is a virus, and is making her this ill, then it must be a real bad one, one that could potentially kill her. I know I was probably being paranoid, but when you're a mom the worst case scenario always enters your mind. They decided that they would try to get an IV in her because she was most likely dehydrated, then get her in for a MRI. That was pretty much the first priority before anything including blood work. The nurse came in and tried getting an IV going, and tried, and tried, and tried. Her veins were extremely hard to find because of the dehydration. They decided to get a certain nurse that was known for sticking impossible veins. The doc, which by the way looked like an abercrombie model, said that they would try this last time and if we couldn't get it we would hold off so we could get her MRI over and done with. The nurse was able to find a good vein, and stuck her perfectly on the first try. Now mind you, the whole time this was going on with the IV'S Lilah barely even flinched. She let out a couple little whines and that was it. They finally came in to grab her for her MRI, I went up with her, and again Lilah did not even move she slept through the whole thing. I guess in a way this was good, they were able to get a good picture in a short amount of time. We went back to the triage room, and waited for Doc Abercrombie to come in and give us the results. He came in a short time later, about 15 minutes and I knew right away what he was going to say. Her shunt had indeed failed and she would need to have emergency surgery as soon as possible. I was a little relieved that we knew what was going on and that she would be fixed up and better in no time, at least that's what the doc promised me lol He did inform me that Dr. Wilson, the neurosurgeon that Lilah sees was not available to do the surgery, but that his colleague Dr. Ecker would be performing it. Dr. Wilson is a pediatric neurosurgeon, and Dr. Ecker is not, but they reassured me he was just as qualified (good to know). I would just have to wait for them to schedule the surgery. In the meantime we waited in the ER Triage room for an opening. The whole time I was growing more and more concerned. She still was knocked out cold, nothing would wake her. Her vitals stayed strong, but I was still a nervous wreck. I just kept thinking what if the pressure causes more brain damage? She had been doing so well, and we were lucky that she was developing at a somewhat good rate considering what she had been through, and the severity of her hydrocephalus. I just was praying this wouldn't set her back. It was taking so long for them to take her in for surgery, and with each passing hour, the anxiety was becoming unbearable. Finally, after what seemed like a lifetime, Dr. Ecker, another ridiculously good looking doctor came in and said they could take her in about 7:00 pm. They would just have to get her prepped and ready for surgery. So 12 hours after we had arrived there, they finally took her in. I was able to stay with her in the surgery pre-op room until they were ready for her. They wheeled my poor baby in for the second surgery in her short little life. We were able to stay in the waiting room, which had a neat monitor that had the names of the patients and the time the surgery started and when the patient was brought into post op recovery. The wait seemed like forever when in all actuality it was around an hour and a half. I was so nervous I kept pacing back and forth. I felt like I was going to throw up. I knew it was a pretty uncomplicated surgery, but any surgery can go wrong, no matter how straight forward it is. I knew she was done before Dr. Ecker even came in because I saw that she had been admitted to post op on the monitor they provide in the waiting room. He walked in about five minutes after I had read it on the screen with a big smile on his face, so I knew everything had gone smoothly. He let us know it couldn't have been more textbook perfect, and that the reservoir was clogged so he replaced that, and also shortened the tubing a bit that was in her stomach. Dr. Ecker said that we just needed to giver a couple minutes and then we could go be with her in recovery, and they would get her into a room as soon as one became available.
A short while later, we were led by a nurse down the hall to recovery and there she was sleeping, quietly sucking her thumb. Her beautiful hair was shaved, thankfully she has so much of it that a comb over would do just fine ( : The nurse taking care of her was a tall good looking man who was the nicest guy. I swear I used to make fun of doc shows that have all these good looking doctors, saying it was unrealistic, but honestly this hospital reminded me of that. I never seen so many good looking doctors and nurses lol Anyways, Josh got to talking to him about sealcoating and paving and home improvement, (what else) lol and the time we had to wait for her to get a room went by quickly since we had such a good conversation with him. We did have to wait about two hours because they had to get a room ready for her.
When we finally were able to get in a room, I was nothing short of impressed. This part of the hospital is fairly new. Remember we live in Maine, and the Bush family owns a house in Kennebunkport, so the Barbara Bush Foundation built and funded this huge children's ward at Maine Med. It has beautiful multiple play rooms, family rooms with computers and toys. Private rooms where the kids stay, with a crib, a bed for the parents, and pull out sofa, and two flat screen tv's with DVD players. Each room has its own private bathroom with stand up shower. There were spectacular views of the city of Portland from a giant picture window in each room. Overall, a comfortable and warm environment to stay in when you're going though an uncomfortable and awful time.
The rest of the night she slept well only waking a couple times during the night. I changed her diaper and had the nurse bring in some juice in case she was thristy. Her lips and mouth seemed so dry, so one of the times she woke up I sat her up and gave her a cup of juice with a straw. I have never in my life seen someone suck up a drink so fast. It was almost comical. The next morning she was put on a jello and broth diet, but didn't eat much, although she drank enough liquids for 10 people it seemed. She was much more alert and active, she did not want to sit in the crib, she wanted to move! The pediatric doctor came in in the morning and said as long as she was doing well all morning she could go home that afternoon. They were a little concerned about her weight which was at 17 pounds, small for someone her age. I told her she was almost up to 20 pounds a week prior, but I reminded her that she had been throwing up for 2 days straight. She said when she was released I could follow up with HomeHealth Visiting Nurses and have them come in and do a weight check and incision check. I let her know that I had used Michelle from that agency in the past and would get a hold of her to see if she could come in and check her out. The doc gave me a list of discharge instruction and follow up appointments along with some prescriptions. We were discharged at around 3:30, not even 24 hours from the time of her surgery. She's a trouper! So that was our experience with her first shunt failure. Not as upsetting, nerve wracking, and stressful as I pictured it, but still hard just the same. As Dr. Ecker pointed out, at least I know what to look for. Most people who have shunt failures experience the same symptoms the next time around, I know the signs, and should be able to distinguish it from an illness next time (hopefully there isn't a next time). I have many more wonderful updates that I will be sharing in my next couple posts, I just wanted to get this up and let you know about our experience. Thanks for taking the time to read this!

My baby girl is 1...

Ok she turned 1 a couple months ago, but I am finding it so hard to update seeing as how I don't have a computer, and i am so extremely busy. I will try to remember everything that has gone on since the last time I blogged.


Lilah had a wonderful first birthday party, surrounded by family and friends. She was given a high chair by her meme, and lots of toys and clothes. Her Papa set up her high chair so she was able to eat her cake by herself. She finished the whole thing. I took a ton of pics and when I am able to fix my computer I will post a whole blog page with nothing but pics ( : however my facebook page has a ton of new photos, so if you ever want to view them you can find the there, just look up Melissa Howard Berthiaume.


Health wise, nothing major, the only setback was about a couple months ago, when she had a slight issue with her weight. Michelle the visiting nurse was still making monthly visits for weight and wellness checkups. I would say around early March she was weighing in at about 18 pounds. When she was weighed the following month she went down to 17.4. We contributed it to a coupe of factors. First off, she had a touch of the G.I. bug, second, she was moving around a lot more, and last she had switched over to regular food, so she wasn't consuming the high calorie formula every four hours. She can't fit much in her little belly, pus the food I was giving her were "healthy foods", great for her body and health, her weight, not so much. We came up with different solutions to try to get in a little extra calories, such as cooking in extra butter, oil, higher calorie health foods, such as avacodo and cheese. She suggested some Pediasure or Carnation Instant Breakfast. Michelle said to try these different options for a week and she would return and see where she was at. If she had lost weight, then we would talk about possibly meeting with a nutritionist. She came back the next week and sure enough she had gained almost a whole pound. The main thing I had tried was the Pediasure, which she loved, but we also didn't want her gaining weight like crazy, so I just cut back to eight ounces a day which equals about 250 calories and 9 grams of fat. She followed up a second time, was still steadily gaining weight so officially dismissed her, no more visiting nurse! We did have a little scare with a MRSA infection, it started out as a little bump on her diaper line, and within days was a massive ball of pus, swollen up the size of a marble. I brought her in and they lanced it, and gave her a topical and oral antibiotic. thank god it didn't turn into anything worse.


Switching over to "normal food"has been an easy transition, she pretty much likes anything I give her. She has started to self feed and a week later she was a master at picking up anything on her tray. She is also drinking out of a sippy cup with a straw, for some reason she can drink out pof a straw just fine but has trouble with a standard sippy cup, most likely because she has a hard time tipping them. She has recently learned to hold her own bottle and drink it, as long as she's lying down.


New accomplishments through therapy include, as I mentioned, the self feeding, and drinking out a cup. We taught her this by starting with what her therapists call The Bear. It is basically a honey container with a straw sticking out of the top. It is easy to suck from and easy to squeeze in case she needed a little help. As it turned out she didn't need any help, she took to it right away, and we practiced it with her for a couple weeks prior to buying a sippy cup. She is able to kneel at a stool and keep her balance. She is coming to sit unassisted, I am so proud of this milestone! We always clap and make a big deal when she does it, so now every time she sits she looks at us with a big grin and starts clapping, looks like she's proud of herself too! She is creeping on her stomach, and even gets up on her knees for a split second, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if she starts crawling within a couple months. It seems like all of a sudden her motor skills have improved dramatically within a short amount of time. She is saying mama, dada, baba and has been making all kinds of silly sounds!


Doc appointments included a follow-up with Dr. Berman. We didn't take long at Berman's, because he came in, took a quick look at her, had her follow some objects, lights, etc, and he was amazed at the improvement of the Nystagmus, and her focusing. He said she seemed to go slightly cross eyed at times, but other then that he was happy with what he saw. We are going back in 6 months to see how she is, how she's seeing, and make sure we're still seeing improvement. Her one year physical went exceptionally well. Dr Landes. was impressed with her overall weight gain, head circumference, growth, everything. I mentioned the weight loss and she said not to worry, as long as she is going up on the charts and steadily gaining weight, I shouldn't worry about it. She was also impressed with Lilah's eye improvements, and thought cognitively and developmentally she looked great. She had her vaccines, poor baby, and her last Synagis shot!


Every morning when I get her out of bed and I get a big smile and a mama, it is the most amazing feeling in the world. My heart literally melts everytime I see her toothy grin, which now includes a top tooth! I want everyone to be able to see lots of pics, so I will gather a bunch and post as soon as my comp is fixed. Thanks for reading my blog and for eveyones continued support and prayers, it means the world to me!

Big Girl Lilah

Lilah is now 11 months old, but it has been a couple months since I updated so in the meantime she has had her 9 month check-up, and her evaluation/check-up at the preemie clinic. Her visit with Dr. Landes, her pediatrician went smoothly, she is growing as she should, and is still on the charts. Around a year, Dr. Landes informed me, she will expect Lilah to stop playing "catch up" and just grow at a normal rate. Her head circumferemce is still growing, and although her head is a bit on the small side still, it's nothing to be concerned about. The doc was extremely impressed with Lilah, and admitted to me that when she first saw her, she would have never predicted that she would be doing this well. She has far exceeded their expectations. That's my girl!

A couple weeks later she had her appointment at the preemie clinic. Chevelle and Ethan had a dentist appt. at the same time as Lilah's, so because we have one vehicle, Josh brought them to the dentist, and I was dropped off with Lilah at the clinic. When I arrived at the clinic, I didn't have to wait long and was seated in an office and was told that Dr. Rock would come in and speak with me, but first the nurse weighed her and measured her height. DR. Rock came in and explained what they would be doing, and it basically consisted of a physical exam, a cognitive test, and a meeting and an exam with a physical therapist to see her progress in that area. I probably was talking to Dr. Rock for a good half an hour before any kind of exams began. She was trying to explain everything to me and get a background, ask questions, etc. She talked super fast so I was just trying to take everything in, but she is an amazing doctor and is very helpful. She asked me if there was any services I needed help with, social security, food stamps, fuel assistance whatever. She also wanted to let me know about great programs that are out there for kids with dissabilities like The Easter Seals, and the Cerebral Palsy Association (if she ever recieves that diagnosis). I could potentially use these services in the future, and they provide wonderful things for free such as horseback
riding lessons and swimming. She gave me many useful tools, that could have a positive impact on LIlah in the future. While I was grateful for all this, I was worried that everything was taking so long, because Lilah was already starting to get restless, and we hadn't even started the exams. Finally she said we would start the cognitive test with the psychologist and save the physical exam for the end. She did well during the testing as far as not crying and getting upset, but it was very hard to get her to do the things they wanted her to do. I think the fact that it was a room full of strangers and she has stranger anxiety contributed to that. Some of the tests she tackled just fine, like when they had her grab certain objects or reach for them. They stood behind her and called her name to see if she would respond to it. They had me hide from her view, then come back into her sight to see how she reacted. They had me play pattycake with her, and a few other games to see her interaction with me. The physical therpapist did some stretching with her and observed her on the floor for a little while, and then gave me some exercices that might be helpful to do with her, which most of the stuff she suggested we have already been doing. She also wanted to know what we have been doing with her in OT and PT. They were unable to give me any testing scores because their computer system was down, but they said I would be getting a full report in the mail (which I am still waiting on). The psychologist (I can't remember her name) did let me know that she will probably score low on the cognitive tests because so much of it is sight based, and we are not exactly sure what her limitations are as far as sight. Some of the sight tests included looking at certain pictures, although I'm not sure what they are expecting of her when she looks at the pics. That is why I am hoping for the report in the mail soon, and Amy said she would help me go over it in case I had any questions. I am supposed to bring her back when she is 18 months for a follow-up.

So new accomplishments: Lilah can completely roll over front to back and vice versa, this to me is a huge accomplishment, because we have been working so hard to help her meet this goal. It is also how she gets around, while other babies crawl and creep, this is her means of transportation lol She is tolerating being on her tummy and can reach and play with toys on her belly. She can also sit up now
completely unsupported for up to 10 minutes at a time. She can't get into the sitting position by herself, you have to place her there, but she
has the strength to sit there for extended periods of time. I can tell when she is getting tired of sitting there because she will start to extend
her head backwards, like she's trying to gently fall back. When this happens I usually lay her down and give her a break. Karen had me
purchase a couple toys that were more in her age range because she is starting to get frustrated and bored with the rattles and toys that are
more geared toward a 4-7 month old. Karen thinks that Lilah's cognitive skills far exceed her motor skills, so that is why we are seeing a little bit of frustration with her. She wants to move around and play with the more advanced toys, but she simply doesn't have the motor skills to
do so. Although we do see slight frustration, Karen is surprised we don't see more. She thinks Lilah is very intelligent, and she can't imagine
how frustrating it must be for her, not being able to move her body the way she wants to.

Last week I recieved a call from Dr. Wilsons office saying they wanted Lilah to have a routine cat scan to check up on things, make
sure her shunt was functioning properly. Of course they wanted her to go without eating after midnight in case we needed sedation. Although
the appointment was early in the morning she was still very cranky, irritated and hungry by the time they took us in to the MRI room. I
informed the radiologist that the last time we came they laid her down and allowed is to feed her the bottle while Josh talked to her and kept
her calm. He said since that seemed to work last time, we'll give it a try this time. They put the vest on Josh and I waited in the room with
the Radiologist, Josh fed her the bottle, but then she started coughing because she was laid down so flat. That caused her to flip out and
start screaming and trying to wiggle out of the contraption they had her strapped into. The radiologist went out and started moving the giant
bed back and forth, back and forth and sure enough the rocking motion put her to sleep. He came in and took the picture, which took a
minute or so and she was done. He said that works like a charm everytime ( :.

The month of February wasn't a great one for Lilah as far as her health was concerned. She had high fever on and off which led me to bring her to her docs positive she had an ear infection. Luckily she didn't. She also had a touch of the GI bug and had diarrhea and was throwing up for a couple days. She seems to be feeling a lot better since the beginning of this month, and she's back to her old self.

Lilah's first birthday is coming up and we are having a princess themed party. I can't wait! I can't believe she's already a year. Upcoming appointments include an eye appointment with Dr. Bermen and her 1 year physical with her pediatrician. I will update after these appoinments. I want to apologize for the messy blog, I still have no computer and I'm blogging from my phone.

A year ago today...

I am going to post an update on Lilah in a couple days, I just wanted to post briefly because today it has been exactly one year since we received the diagnosis of Hydrocephalus. I would like to apologize for any grammar and spelling mistakes because I am blogging from my phone due to my computer still being down. I will try to correct them as best I can, but bloggin from a phone is a pain in the butt! First off, I can't believe its been a year, it seems to have flown by. Second, looking back I can't believe how far she's come from where she was. I remember everything about that night crystal clear in my head, the excitement of getting to go to another ultrasound, and how I couldn't wait for Josh to take me out to our favorite sushi restaurant afterwords. I remember the complete and utter shock when the doc told me coldly and casually that there was something seriously wrong with Lilah's brain, and how the outcome was pretty grim. Reading my post from that day brings tears to my eyes, I was so scared of many things, but I think my biggest fear, was the fear of the unknown, and that everything was completely out of my hands. Being that I'm not a godly or religous person I didn't even have the power of prayer or the hope of a miracle to fall back on. I was pretty much hopeless. Reading blogs helped me a little, but even so, I found parents having to deal with so much medically and emotionally and these people seemed much more "together" than I was. I thought there was no way in hell I was strong enough to handle it. Even though I am reluctant to admit this I even had a discussion with Josh abbot adoption, that is how sure I was that this was something I was never going to be able to deal with. I have many regrets about the way I handled things, even if it was out of fear and grief, but I wish so badly I could go back and comfort myself and tell myself it will all be ok. I would say don't waste your nights being up all night crying, because soon your days will be filled with a sweet little girl with an insanely goofy smile. I would remind myself that I am a strong person that has lived a hard life full of obstacles that I have always been able to overcome. You honestly never know how you are going to handle something until it is thrown your way, and having a child born with disabilities is one of these things. I wish I could tell myself how I am going to have a baby girl that is strong and resilient and keeps pushing through the pain and overcoming obstacles that all the experts predicted she wouldnt be able to overcome. Most importantly I think I would tell myself that when you look at her you won't see Hydrocephalus, you won't see a disability, you will just see Lilah, beautiful, goofy, blue eyed, crazy haired Lilah ( : I wanted to end this by stating that one of my main reasons for writing this blog is to show other parents that may have recieved a recent diagnosis of Hydro that it is not the end of the world and that there is hope and light at the end of the tunnel, if I can make one person feel even a tiny bit better, then it will hold a far better purpose than just getting my feelings out. I'll be blogging soon with more great new about Lilah's progress!

The Holidays Are Here!

This post was originally supposed to be in Dec. but my computer crashed, I have been without one for awhile, in the meantime I jotted down my entries the old fashion way, with a paper and a pen (gasp) so while this post will show todays date (feb 5) it was originally written sometime toward the end of December...

  It's been hectic with the holidays, and I haven't had a reliable computer in months, so this post may be a bit long.

    Lilah's first Halloween was so much fun, although a bit cold. Thankfully her costume was nice and warm. She was a pretty pink flower. We headed down to Mass because Halloween in Josh's family is kind of a big deal, and an excuse for everyone to get together with all the kids. We walked around Josh's aunts house as we do every year. She was her usual easy going self despite the long time outside in the cold.

   We were in Mass again for Thanksgiving, which we were happy to be able to make another trip down to spend with Josh's family. I bought pureed turkey and sweet potatoes so Lilah would have her very own Thanksgiving dinner.

  We headed down to Mass yet again for an early Christmas with the in-laws. Josh's mom and aunts put on an x-mas party every year, and this was Lilah's first. Chevelle and Lilah had matching Santa dresses and they looked adorable.Lilah seemed a little leery with all the strange faces, but she was well behaved the whole time, in fact she napped through most of it. Christmas day was spent back up in Maine at our house, and we sat Lilah in her Bumbo surrounded by all her presents. She seemed disinterested, but as most babies do, found stuffing wrapping paper in her mouth to be a good time.

  In the past couple months, between all the holiday activities, Lilah has been making progress in every area. It can seem a little slow at times,  but Karen her PT pointed out that as long as they see progress, even if it is a bit slow is a good sign. They grow concerned when babies plateau at an early age, and this hasn't been the case with Lilah. In therapy, there had been a four or five week period where she screamed through her entire OT and PT sessions. It was so sudden, she went from being comfortable with Karen and Amy to completely melting down, acting like they were complete strangers sent to torture her. It can be hard when your baby acts like she's in pain, not to rush right over, pick her up, and comfort her. Karen thought that wouldn't be productive, because then she would learn that when she cried, that meant her mommy would come "save her" from the mean old therapist. I knew she wasn't in pain because the exercises and activities they had been doing with her, are the same ones I do with her on a regular basis without incident. They just kept working through the screaming and getting in as much as they could. Amy said it was most likely a phase and she would get over it. Sure enough, as Amy predicted she did. One day Amy walked in and Lilah had that look on her face like she was going to lose it, whimpered a couple times, then eventually started smiling and playing with the toys Amy provided for her. Lilah's OT sessions have been moved to twice a week because she thought she could really benefit from it. Lilah has learned to roll from stomach to back, we are working on the other way around, but so far it hasn't happened. I am thinking that even if she was physically capable of it, she would probably avoid it like the plague, because she hates being on her tummy so much. She can now sit unsupported for a couple minutes here and there if she has her Boppy to support her back. Her balance is getting there, but she likes to fling herself back a lot which results in the loss of her balance. It is also hard for her to coordinate sitting with playing with toys, it's easier for her to sit if she isn't playing with anything.

  A couple weeks ago she had her cardiologist appointment to see if the chamber to her heart had closed. She also had a tiny hole in her heart that they wanted to check out to see if it had closed. Thankfully her heart was perfect and healthy, and she never has to go back again, unless there is a specific problem. 

Healthwise she has been doing so-so, no major issues. Just quite a few ear infections, fevers, and runny noses. It seems like she is constantly stuffed up. I hope her health improves when the winter months are over. Her Pulmonologist said this winter will be the test with her. If she can make it through this winter relatively unscathed, then the following winters should be a breeze. She also has started a monthly vaccine called synagis, which protects her from RSV, a deadly respitory virus that affects preemies. Jan is a busy month with a few appts., including her 9 month check-up and the preemie clinic. I will try my hardest to update as these appointments happen instead of waiting so long between posts.

As far as Lilah goes, she is certainly developing a little personality. She is constantly smiling, babbling, happy. She has such a sweet manner about her. Her gummy, goofy smile can't help but brighten your day. She is an absolute joy to be around, we all love her so much, and are thankful to have her in our lives. It's been a rough year but I would go through it again in a second, because she makes me so happy.  

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday, and below I included a couple Holiday photos. They're a little mixed up, but the first one is Lilah surrounded by her presents (spoiled baby). The second one is Daddy feeding Lilah her Thanksgiving dinner. The next one is Lilah in her Halloween costume, and the last one is Lilah eating some wrapping paper. Enjoy!

9 Year Anniversary!

I have a blog post about Lilah I will be posting in a few days, I just wanted to add some pictures before I posted it, but in the meantime I wanted to write about the past 9 years I have spent with my amazing husband. I met Josh at a time when my life was going nowhere. I was in and out of trouble, I had no goals or ambition, I wasn't being a proper mother to my oldest daughter Brittany. He had been a good friend to me in the previous 3 years before we started dating, but I saw him as no more then that. I always admired him as a father to his son Tyler because Brits dad could of cared less, anad was in and out of jail. I thought to myself how refreshing that a young kid can step up and be a dad, when so many adults out there can't. Josh was like a breathe of fresh air that came blowing into my life when I felt like I was suffocating. Pretty much right off the bat I knew there was something different about him, that he actually cared. I had been in horrible,abusive relationships all of my teenage years, and was so used to being used that I was in shock that someone was treating me so well. Almost right from the beginnaing he told me that he was going to take care of me and would always be here for me. He told me that he could tell that I was a scared little girl, and that he would help me grow into a mature, responsible adult. He has gone above and beyond his promise, never once breaking it and I feel like there is no way I could repay what he has done. I honestly can say I don't know where I would be without him, but I can guarantee my life would be nothing like it is now. Our relationship has without a doubt been pushed to it's limits. We have been through hell and back, but have always managed to come out ok, with our relationship intact. There have been times where I even doubted we could make it, and there have been times I have pushed him away, thinking that I didn't deserve happiness and love. I am so glad he stuck it out with me and didn't give up on me. He has given me the most amazing family, his family he had before me, and our family together. Lilah came at a time when our love wasn't as strong as it had been in the past, and she has just brought so much joy and happiness to our lives. I believe she was sent here for a reason and I have a feeling many people's lifes are going to be enriched from knowing her. I just want to say to him that you are an angel to me, someone that has saved me and guided me through the darkest points in my life. I love you...

10 years ago...

6 month check-up, and many other appt's.

I know Lilah's technically almost 7 months, but I haven't had much time to update. She had her 6 month check-up with Dr. Landes. She weighed 13 pounds 2 ounces and was 24 inches long. She is now officially on the charts! She is in the 5th %, which doesn't seem that small to me because Chevelle has always been in the 5th%. Her head circumference jumped up to a point where it is now following a normal "curve" on the growth chart. I believe it was 38 inches in diameter. Last visit it had kind of hit a plateau, and that is why she sent her to get a cat-scan. She said that the growth was very promising, and we no longer had to worry about that at this time. She had all her shots, which she wasn't very happy about (surprise, surprise). She noted that the Nystagmus that she saw at her four month visit was much less noticeable at this visit. They asked me all the milestone questions, and the only ones they asked that she couldn't do was rolling over, and transfering an object from hand to hand. Dr. Landes told me since her she was gaining weight normally, I could take her off the Neosure formula, and put her on the formula of my choice. She also told me I could start introducing cereal and solids. I was excited about this because I always enjoyed feeding my babies baby food, and it seems like a step in the right direction to "normalcy" lol. I asked her if I could take her off the poly-vites, because I wasn't breast feeding any more, she said she wanted to test her iron levels first, and if they were normal then we could take her off them. The test came back that she was slightly anemic, which is really common in babies born prematurely, so she said to continue with the vitamins and at her next visit we would talk about taking her off them.

A week and a half prior to her check-up she had gone to the pulmonologist, and she was also happy with how she looked and sounded, lung-wise. I was told to decrease her meds even more, so now she is on very minute doses of meds. She told me to continue oxygen as we have been, and check back in a month. A little frustrating, but honestly the time seems to fly by, so I am praying it will be different at the next appointment.

Somewhere between all these appointments, I can't remember the dates, Lilah was brought into her docs because she had been running a fever. It happened to be Friday night, and I was debating on what to do. With my other kids I probably would have waited until Monday then brought her in, but in Lilah's case, a fever could mean an infection in her shunt. I believed that this was definately NOT the case, especially since she had a cold, but you really want to just play it safe, and not take any chances. So I ultimately decided to call her doc Sat. morning. I was put through to the nurse that was on call that weekend. She agreed since she was a preemie and had a shunt that she should be seen right away. The practice that she goes to has many offices, and they actually have one in South Portland that is opened on the weekend. She told me to come right over, and the diagnosis was an ear infection, so she was put on amoxycillin for 10 days. First time getting an illness in 6 months, not too bad ( :

We started working wiuth Lilah's new therapist Amy. Susan was right I do like her a lot, although I admit I do really miss Susan. Amy is young and pretty and bubbly. So sweet too. She has a three year old and an 18 month old, and literally lives right down the street about half a mile. She pretty much continued where Susan left off, so all of the therapy sessions have pretty much been the same. The one new thing that she wanted to try was infant massage. She is a licensed infant masseuse, and asked if I would like her to teach me. She said she thought it would be good for Lilah as far as relaxing her before her sessions, and loosening her muscles a little bit, and also as a bonding experience for Lilah and I. The following therapy appointment she started teaching me and Lilah seemed to really enjoy it. Amy cautioned me beforehand that not all babies like to be touched like that, and sometimes they have to have to be massaged a couple times so they can get used to it. She was surprised at how well she responded to it since it was her first time. Her therapy has been coming along smoothly, really nothing new to report on that.

I had her neurology appoinment coming up which was the one that I was a little on edge about. For one Susan hadn't had the best things to say about Dr. Rioux, and on top of that I was worried he was going to give me doom and gloom or something lol. I know I am a little paranoid. Josh came with me which I was happy about, he always thinks of good questions to ask, and he retains all the info really well, which I have a hard time doing. After waiting FOREVER, Dr. Rioux came in with a med student. My first impression of him was a good one, he seemed really nice and was reallly good with Lilah . He went over a little of Lilah's history with me, and also what my concerns and questions were. The main reason she went to see him was the shaking of her eyes, which as I 've mentioned have improved greatly. He noticed it a little bit, but said they looked ok, he also had to take my word for it because he hadn't seen her when she was having the severe shaking. He told me as long as they seemed to be improving that we would just kind of keep an eye on it over time. He did some neurological tests, had her follow objects, pulled her up to a sitting position, checked her reflexes. He was really impressed with her progress, and said he was pleased to see that she was "talking" a lot, and was really expressive, responsive and interactive. He asked if there was any motor problems, and I told him my main concern was the tightness in her left arm, and how she had a strong preference in the right arm. He went on to tell me that it made sense that she would have problems with that side of her body, because the majority of the fluid was in the right side of the brain. Since the halves off the brain control the opposite side oif the body, it made sense she would have motor control problems in that side. He did tell me that it looked like she still moved it and seemed able to use it, so that was a good sign. I told him her therapists were aware of her limitations in this arm, and we were working on it in theraoy. He mentioned that some therapists use immobilizations therapies, which basically consists of constricting the good arm, so they are forced to use the bad one. I said I would mention it to Karen her PT. I was able to see her most recent catscan, which was taken in August, anbd he pointed out the areas that still had a little bit of fluid in it, but nothing to be concerned about. The ventricles are still a little big, but compared to how everything looked in the previous cat scan taken when she was born, he said the difference is remarkable. Her catscan she had taken after birth, was pretty much all dark spots, where the fluid was. This one you could see was filled with brain lol. The way it is supposed to look. It is a really good sign when the brain expands to fill the space that was once filled by fluid. We had a talk about motor issues and he said that may not be present for some time still. There is still no way of telling how she might be in a couple years, including if she has Cerebral Palsy, or the severity of it. He said only time will tell, which I've known this from the beginning, nothing new there. He has seen this severity of hydro and worse, where the children do fine, and he has also seen less degrees of hydro, where the kids are worse off, so no way of telling yet. I was also warned that seizures can pop up at anytime, and he gave me a pamplet on what to look for and what to do in case she has one. He said just keep doing what we're doing, and be optomistic, and hopefully she can continue making the progress that she has so far. We made a 6 month follow-up appointment, to check in and see how she is doing.

I will end this by saying Lilah has started solids and has been tolerating them wonderfully. She gobbles them down, with no problem. She started off a little messy, but is now a pro, and can eat without making too much of a mess. She is a little piggy! She has tried peas, carrots, sweet potatos, bananas, pears, and apples. Her fave seems to be sweet potatos. Karen did warn me though to really watch what I give her, because she is not as mobile as most babies and is not going to be burning off the baby fat as quicly or as easily. I will leave you with some pictures of her eating her food, they are from when she first started so mind you she made a mess!! I also included a pic that I absolutely love, because she is flashing that huge grin that brightens everybodys day!

National Hydrocephalus Awareness month!

It's actually been almost a month since her eye appointment, but I am just finding time now to sit down and blog about it. In the future I am going to try my hardest to update as soon as Lilah has had an appointment, because I find I have a hard time remembering exactly what was said and done. As most people know I have a horrible memory, so it is best if I write it down as soon as it occurs. I will try my best to recall this past month.

I was warned by Susan that Dr. Bermen wasn't the friendliest guy, not that that surprises me too much, seeing as how 90% of the specialists I deal with up here are a-holes. We pulled up to the Maine Eye Center in Portland, which just happens to be this massive building. There was a parking lot full of cars. You walked in and there was actually an information desk to direct you where to go and a map of the place. I guess they do everything there including lasik eye surgery and other eye related surgeries. Dr. Bermen is a pediatric opthamologist, so of course there was a waiting room full of adorable children with big glasses lol Initially we didn't have to wait that long before they called us in. The nurse asked us some standard questions, like what are concerns were. The doc came in and did some tests that pretty much involved looking in her eyes with a light, turning the light on and off, i'm assuming to check how they dialate, and spining her around and around on his lap in a chair. I guess he did this to see how bad her eyes shake, because I mentioned this to him. He immediately noticed the nystagmus ( her shaking eyes). In fact they were quite shaky, the most I've seen them in awhile. In a way I was glad they were doing this because, I was afraid he wouldn't get to see first hand what I was talking about. He noted Intermittent Nystagmus which basically means her eyes shake but not all the time. Nystagmus is a constant shaking of the eyes. I couldn't read him too well but he seemed to be concerned about what he saw. The whole time I was just thinking please whatever it is, just don't let her be completely blind. I dodn't find him to be a kerk per se, but he was kind of cold and uncaring. I'll never understand why doctors choose their specialty in pediatrics if they have no bedside manner, anyways, the nurse put drops in her eyes to dialate the pupils, then sent us out to the waiting room to wait for them to dialate. This took about 45 minutes in which she was able to sleep. Let's just say she wasn't too happy with the drops and screamed until she was blue in the face. In the meantime, while we were waiting, he had her latest cat scan faxed over. We were called back in and he took another look at her eyes. I'm thinking well do you know what the hell is going on or what? He says well the eye itself is fine, the optic nerve wasn't damaged from the pressure, blah blah blah The eye looks great and is healthy. Ok, but does this mean she can see? Well he said she could possibly have a visual impairment, but if she does it has nothing to do with the eye, it has to do with the way the brain processes the images her eye is seeing. The eye is essentially like a camera lens it takes the pictures and the brain deciphers what the "camera" is seeing. The hydrocephalus might have done damage to that part of the brain. So his advice: go see a neurologist. So basically I have no answers. Then again he was using huge medical terms and I didn't understand half the words that came out of his mouth. But this is what I got from it, Josh too. While he was explaining everything to me he mentioned that he had the results of the cat scan. I said well I 've been waiting for the results is it normal? He told me that I should talk to her neurosurgeon about that. So I'm freaking out thinking something is seriously worng, so I said well I want to know what it says. He told me it said something about the collapse of the ventricular system or something to that effect. I had read up on this before and read that this can happen in the case of over draining. This was the reason he ordered the scan in the first place, because he suspected over draining. I asked him why they wouldn't call me with results like that, he said it could be that he just wasn't planning on doing anything about it, but told me I should call them anyways just to be sure.

When we arrived home, I had Josh call Dr. Wilson to see about the cat scan. We called at 4:30 which is a half hour before they closed. Josh explained the situation to the nurse, and snapped at him telling him I know nothing of this, I don't know what you're talking about. She said she would have Dr. Wilson call us back. Well they never called us back, so Josh called them first thing in the morning, and a different nurse returned the call, and told us Dr. Wilson told her to tell us the cat scan was quote unquote "perfect" It was exactly how he wanted it to look. So I'm assuming the stuff that was on there is no big deal. Again, I am no doctor so I guess I just have to trust what they say.

So as you all know the past couple of months there has been concern for Lilah's eye sight. The main reason for this is the fact that she hasn't been tracking objects, and her eyes are always shaking all over the place so it seems like she is having a hard time focusing. Well I am happy to report that in the past three weeks this has changed dramatically. I noticed her eyeing a toy when I had her on her little play mat that my friend Tammy had given me. It has a big mirror dangling from the middle and a couple big hanging toys on the side. I wasn't sure if this was a coincidence, but then I saw her reaching and touching the toy. She started smiling and wouldn't stop! It was so cute, and I was so proud of her. The next thing she noticed was the mirror, as soon as she saw her refelxion she let out a big grin and was cooing non-stop. My sister was here and she saw it too. We couldn't believe how cute she looked. Ever since then the second I put her on it she starts to smile and coo. The following Wednesday I showed Susan what she was doing and she was absolutely thrilled. This is the first time she has actually witnessed her focusing on something and we could tell she was looking at her reflexion and responding to something visual instead of just sounds. Since the mirror is directly above her, it keeps her head at mid-line (looking straight ahead) which is what we have been trying to do for the past couple months. She told me this was really great to see. It pretty much proves that she's not completely blind. I mean it doesn't tell us how well she's seeing but at least we know she's seeing SOMETHING. Towards the end of her therapy session, she started getting real fussy, we couldn't calm her down. Well Susan placed her on her mat and she instantly stopped crying and let out a big grin. Susan said in her 30 years as an OT she had never seen a baby respond so happily to one of those play mats lol She hasn't made too much progress being on her tummy, she still hates it, but she is holding her head up better in her bumbo, and tolerating her time in it much better. I finally feel like I can see a vast improvement in her, and it gives me even more hope for her future than I already have. On a sad note, Susan, her OT, is leaving us. She is going on medical leave indefinately. I have grown so close to her in these past four months, and feel like she has helped Lilah tremendously. I am going to miss her a lot. She told me my new OT is a woman named Amy. She told me if she could have hand picked her new OT she would be it. She assured me that I will like Amy even more than I like her. I guess she is fairly young and has two small children, and Susan thinks I will get along good with her. I am going to meet with her next week.

After much thinking, and much advice from countless people involved in Lilah's care, I have decided to apply for dissability for her. In the past I felt like this might be a crutch, and would keep her from pushing herself and by applying I am somehow admitting she is going to be disabled lol Then her nurse told me that she knows parents that file for dissability on their premature infants, and get approved. She said especially since we are going through financial hardships right now, any little bit will help. So I finally relented and filled out an application and did an over the phone appointment. To say the application was long and tedious would be an understatement. I had to give names, addresses, and phone numbers of all her docs. I had to put what she saw them for, when she last saw them, when she was seeing them again. What treatments they provided.

Dates of visits, hospitalizations, cat-scans, ultrasounds. I had to list meds she was taking. I could go on and on. Anyways they said I should recieve an answer in about 4 to 5 months. Well I think that prett much sums up the past couple weeks. I want to end this by saying September is National Hydrocephalus Awareness Month, and there is so many people who have never even heard about this condition ( I was one of these people), we need to spread awareness and bring more attention to hydrocephalus, here is some interesting info I would like to share:

The National Institutes for Health, which controls most of the federal funding for these types of conditions states that the number of people who develop hydrocephalus or are currently living wiht it is difficult to establish since there is no national registry or database of people with the condition. However, experts estimate that hydrocephalus affects approximately 1 in 500, which makes hydrocephalus as common as Downs Syndrome or Juvenile Diabetes, yet the publis is largely unaware of the condition.

Facts about Hydrocaphalus

Approximately 1 million people have hydrocephalus in the U.S.

There are believed to be 180 different causes

There is no cure and very little research. The NIH spends 60 cents per person with hydro per year compared to 300 per person per year with juvenile diabetes though the prevalence of the disease is the same.

The standard treatment, a shunt, was developed in 1956 has a 50% failure rate after just two years which is the reason why so many have to have multiple brain surgeries just to stay alive.

60% percent of children with hydro are not independent as adults and require assistance. (this is the first time I've read this stat, so not too sure on the accuracy)

50% percent of children with hydro score 80 or below on standardized intelligence tests. (same wtih this one).

It costs the United states 1 billion per year in health care costs to treat hydrocephalus.

I hope someday we can increase the publics awarness and raise funds for research, so spread the word!!

MRI, Ultrasound

Dr. Wilson's office called me with a MRI appointment for Lilah, it was scheduled for Thursday the 12th. A couple days prior a nurse from Maine Med called me to ask some questions and give me instructions on what to do prior to bringing her in. She just asked basic questions about her medical history, and said that there may be a chance we have to put her under general anesthesia if she happens to be moving around too much for them to get adequate pictures. Since there was a chance of that, I was not to feed her breast milk sooner than 5 hours before her scheduled MRI. I could give her water two hours prior, and no formula after midnight. I had lost my wallet a couple days before I talked to the nurse, and she told me I would need an ID when I brought her into her appointment. Since I didn't have one Josh came with me to show his proof of ID. I fed her around 4 am, but by the time we arrived, and were seated she was starting to get a little fussy. Luckily we didn't have to wait long, and the nurses were amazing, they kept going on and on about how gorgeous Lilah was and of course commenting on her wild hair that is always sticking up. The nurse told me that her MRI should only take a few moments, they only needed a couple quick pics, and that anesthesia shouldn't be necessary. When we walked into the room, they had this device that they strap the babies in to keep them still, it's almost like a little pappoose that keeps them snug, then velcro straps to hold it together, as soon as they put her in it she started crying, and when they tried to strap her head in she was flipping out. I told her she was really hungry, and she said since she probably wasn't going to need to be put under I could feed her. As I was discussing this Josh was rubbing her feet and shushing her, and it seemed to do the trick because she quieted down. The nurse told Josh to keep doing what he was doing and threw a vest on him so he could stay in the room with Lilah while they took the pictures. She pulled me in the room where the images pops up on the computer, it was pretty cool you could see her skull and where the shunt was. They were right about it only taking a minute, then she was done. They would send the pics to Dr. Wilson and he would contact me if soemthing was wrong.

Her ultrasound went off without a hitch too. The radiologist and technicians were commenting on how good she was. They performed the ultrasound on both hips for a good 10 minutes on each side and she didn't even fuss. They said ususally with babies they have to get a couple technicians to hold them still. The radiologist said it looked fine to him but he had to double check with the other radiologist. He came back in and told me it definately was normal. That was a relief, one less thing to worry about.

She has been making great strides in both OT and PT. She has really good head control and Susan told me she was ready for a Bumbo, which is a seat that supports their backs and allows them to gain strength in their muscles. I purchased one at a second hand store, seeing as how a new one cost 40 dollars. I didn't want to put her in it myself until Susan was here, so when she came last week she had me place her in it and she did a really good job! She looks so cute in it. I will have to get a pic of her in it and post it up soon. We have also been using different textures because Lilah seems to be very hearing and touch oriented, she gets more excited feeling things and listening to things than looking at toys. She brought in a koosh ball for her to feel and a piece of Mylar to put under her blanket and when she's on it and touches the blanket she can hear it crinkle. We have little balls with different textures on them and drag them up and down her arms and legs. This gets her moving with excitement. There is some concern about her eyesight and how well she is seeing, or if she even sees at all. Neither her PT or OT can tell me for sure either way. She has been tolerating tummy time much better, both Susan and Karen noticed that she seems to tolerate the tasks and exercises so much more than before. She will do a lot in a shorter period of time, instead of having to drag it out because she keeps shutting down. I think last week she only had one little shut down and that was towards the end of the therapy. We have been putting her in side lying position which allows her hands to be in front of her, and makes it easier to reach for toys. If they are flat on their backs it is harder to keep hands "mid-line" because of a little thing called gravity lol

Monday she had her Pulmonary appointment, and she is off the oxygen all day except for feedings, and she is still on at night. They tested her potassium levels, which came back a little high, but she said it was nothing to worry about. My next appt. is in 5 weeks. She told me that 2 weeks prior I was to cut her meds in half. the Spirololactone and chlorothiazide will be half doses and the potassium and sodium chloride will be taken away altogether. I feel like she is just getting closer and closer to leading a semi normal life lol I am also tired of all the appointments.

I have her eye appointment with Dr. Burnham this Tuesday, so I will update, hopefully with good news. This is the appointment I am dreading, it will be a real blow if she is blind. I know whatever the outcome I will be able to handle it, I just hate anything that is going to make Lilah's life harder. As if life isn't hard enough. Well I am hoping and praying for good news. We just have to think positively. Below are some 4 month pictures. The first one is of her insane hair do (at its tamest)The second one is Lilah enjoying her tubby time. I have never seen her more happy than when she is in her tub ( :

4 Month Check-up

Lilah had her four month check-up last week. She is up to 9 pounds 14 ounces and she is 21 and 3/4 inches long. Her doc says she is growing as she should be. I brought up all the issues that Susan (OT) and I were worried about. Unfortunately she didn't get to see her shaky eyes for herself because she was screaming so much she didn't have her eyes open. I asked her if she thought I should bring her to see the optometrist that Susan knows, and she told me she would rather Lilah see Dr. Burman, the opthamologist that examined her at the hospital. She said she would call him, then call me with an appointment. Along with the weight and height measurements, they also do head circumferences to make sure that it is following a nice even curve on the chart, just like the height and weight. She informed me that Lilah's head is actually smaller than it should be. She also said she had a hard time finding her soft spot, and was worried that maybe her skull was overlapping and fusing which wouldn't be a good thing. She asked me when Lilah's next follow up with the neurosurgeon was and I said sometime in October, she told me she would call Dr. Wilson and explain what was going on and see if he thought she should go in earlier for a cat scan. He did want to see her in a couple weeks to see what was going on. I guess they are afraid her shunt may be over draining. She has her hip ultrasound in a couple weeks to see how her hips are doing so this month is a busy month for Lilah as far as doctor appointments go. She had her four month shots and was miserable for a couple days. I gave her some Tylenol for the pain, but she was still pretty sore. She also mentioned that normally she would suggest trying solids namely cereal, but thought we should hold off a couple months because of her prematurity.

Therapy has been coming along, both Susan and her new PT Karen definately see improvement in her. She seems stronger, and is starting to explore her hands and some toys. She loves sucking on her fists and thumb (just like Chevelle did). She reaches for faces, but hasn't shown much interest in toys. Karen says this is probably because she just discovered her hands so it's gonna take awhile before she realizes she controls them and can touch them and feel them. Her focus seems to be much better, she will keep her gaze on you much longer, and is always smiling and cooing. She is definately the most happy first thing in the morning when she wakes up. This is also my favorite time with her because the kids are usually still sleeping and we get some quiet alone time. She is going to bed every night really well, and sleeps right through the night without a peep.

I had to go down to Mass to pick up my mom, and while I was down there visited some of my family members that I haven't seen in awhile. I was able to see my great aunt Bev, who I hadnt seen in 3 years, since my grams funeral. She has a ton of old photos around her house of relatives, and I noticed a beautiful black and white photograph of a baby in a long white gown, with a fairly large head. I immediately guessed that it was her brother who I knew died of hydrocephalus when he was 12. I had never seen a photo of him, and felt sadness because he had to suffer through it because they obviously didn't have shunts back then. He basically lived with it until the pressure in his head was too much on his brain. I also felt very grateful that we
live in this modern age and Lilah is able to have a chance at life because of all the advancements in medical technology. It is sad knowing if she had been born back then, her fate would have been death. I also think it is neat that she has this common bond with a past relative, that had two totally different outcomes, and is a prime example of how far the medical world has come. We should all be grateful for this. It gives me hope for the future too, that something may be done for these kids possibly in utero before the fluid has a chance to do so much brain damage, or even having the ability to reverse brain damage. You never know, if we have come this far in 50 years, imagine another 50. I will probably update in a couple weeks after all these appointments, unless something significant happens between now and then. I am also hoping to post some new pictures of LLAH.

Been Awhile

I have been having a hard time finding time to update my blog. Busy with the kids, busy with Lilah, busy with life. Lilah is coming along wonderfully. She is up to 9 1/2 pounds as of last week. She is following her own curve on the growth chart, but if she keeps up the good weight gain, she will probably be caught up in no time. She is the perfect weight for her length. Therapy has been going good as well. I had a long talk with her OT about cerebral palsy, and how even if she has it, she will be able to greatly improve her quality of life with OT and PT. I asked her if she thought that Lilah might have it, and she said she did see some tone that might be indicitive of it, but that is not set in stone. She also noticed (which I have also) that when she looks to the side her eyes make a little shaking motion, this could be nystagmus( an eye disorder), it could also mean that her eye muscles aren't quite developed yet. Regardless, she suggested I have her eyes checked out by this opthamologist in Windham. He does one free eye exam before a child turns one, it's called an Infant See. He is also a long time friend of Susan, and with my permission will discuss with Susan things we could try that might be beneficial for lilah. We are still working hard at trying to gain some head control, and strengthening her sholder and neck muscles, she seems to have a hard time with this when she is laid flat on her belly. It is easier for her when we roll up a towel and place it under her armpits, or when I lay her on my chest. It gives her something she's interested in looking at (my face) (: She is moving her head pretty much equally from side to side now, she no longer prefers the left side. She does however tend to swing her legs to the left side a lot. This is not a good thing, since she could develop a curvature in her spine. I have to straighten her out whenever I catch her doing it. We are working on having her follow objects with her eyes, she does a good job following from her right side to midline (center) but has a hard time tracking to the left. We have been trying various toys and pictures that might pique her interest but nothing seems to intrigue her enough to follow. I have switched arms when feeding her, because she tends to look at me when she's eating, this seems to be helping a little.


Lilah is having much longer awake periods and is settling into somewhat of a schedule now. She takes little naps throughout the day and usually settles in for good around 11:00 pm. This is a good time for me since I go to bed late anyways. Then as long as she has had a bottle right before bed she will usually sleep right through the night, anywhere from 5:30 am to 8:00 am. She was assigned a new PT, because it was so far out of the was for Lisa. I met her new PT named Karen last week. Llilah was completely zonked out cold, so she was unable to work wi-yawns she does and elieve how hard she was to rouse. She was worried about shunt failure. I told her thats normal behavior for her. She responded by telling me that I would know better then her, since I'm with her all the time. I also made the mistake of feeding her right before she came, and that is usuallywhen she is the sleepiest. This week when Karen came I held off her feeding, and she was wide awake through her whole session. She noticed that when she talked to her that she completely avoids eye contact. She was wondering if she did that all the time or maybe just because it was a new face. It's fuuny, because awhile back my sister Kristin noticed this, she's like Melissa she refuses to look at me, but when I took her she stared right at me. I told this all to Karen, and the way she explained it is that she might be a little stressed out or anxious having certain people around or she might be overstimulated so she kind of shuts down in a way. This can be common in preemies, and not un-heard of in newborns. I am what she sees as calming and familiar so she has no problem staring at me. She also told me all the little half-yawns and even some sneezes and facial movements are sometimes the equivilant to a sigh. When she is experiencing a change of emotion,stress, or overstimulation, even happiness and relaxation she might do this and it's her way of letting out a sigh. When she handed her over to me to kind of prove a point she immediately looked at me, stopped crying and did a half-yawn (i'm assuming in contentment) I don't know why, but I find this all super cute (:



My in-laws came up for a week for vacation, and I took Lilah to the beach for the first time. I had bought two umbrellas to put her under out of the sun, but apparently the sun was super strong that day because her face was a little sun burned at the end of the day. I felt so bad. She was miserable, and the fact that she had the oxygen taped to her made it worse. He face was all rashy and irritated so I decided since her pulmonary visit was only a week away, and they were going to take her off during the day after that visit, I was going to take it off and give her cheeks a chance to air out. It had been super muggy and hot for weeks and it wasn't doing her skin any good. I monitored her the whole time she was off for the next couple days and she stayed at 99, 100. Below is a picture of her without the oxygen, look how pretty! I have that pulmonary appointment tomorrow and OT on Wednesday I will try to keep up with my blogs, so then I don't have to cram a ton of info into one, plus try to remember everything that happened. My mother-in-law took the kids back down to Mass with her for a week, which was nice because I was able to have some nice quiet bonding time with Lilah. I did a lot with her, we went to the lake, to the Maine Wildlife Park, Chuck E. Cheese, and out to eat. She was quite the busy little girl these past couple weeks. It is so hard to do these things lugging around a baby and two other kids on top of it. Now I know why some people decide one is enough! Three month pictures below, with the oxygen and without.....

Growing Baby Girl..

It has been over a week since I updated and Lilah has had a couple OT and PT sessions. Everything is going well with her progress, she is really coming along. Last week Lisa (PT) was working on her hips and hamstrings. Lilah was actually awke this time. She noticed, as well as I, that when she moved her right hip, it seemed to be quite uncomfortable for her. She was really screaming. She also noted that she seemed to move the other side a lot easier and more frequently then the right side. She said that I should mention it to the doctor next time she had an appointment. I asked her if she thought I should call sooner, since her next appointment wasn't for another two months. I also mentioned that she had a hip ultrasound scheduled for the end of July. She proceeded to do some more stretches with her, and then turned her on her stomach. In this position she seemed to be moving it just fine, and equally as much as the other side. Lisa said that was what she wanted to see, so she would hold off on calling the doc. She said that it could be just because it is really tight. She wanted me to continue to do the exercises that she had taught me. Other then that she said she was definately gettign there, and making progress. Her OT Susan came last week and again Lilah was sleeping so it was hard for her to do the things that OTs do, such as getting her to track objects with her eyes, and have her lift her head and turn it. She suggested that if she was sleeping during her next session we might try to change the appointment to earlier in the morning when she might be more awake. Susan did as much as she could with her sleeping. Michelle the nurse came and weiged her she is up to 7 pounds 7 ounces, still a little teenie thing, but she's getting there. She said she's looking really good, and that she was on vacation the following week, and said since I had an appointment with the pulmonary doc, it wasn't really necessary for a nurse to come in that week.


This past week was a little rough as far as Lilah's sleeping habits. I don't know what it was but she just cried and cried all night. It almost seemed like she was in pain or uncomfortable. It was odd to me, because she will be content in her crib during the day. She will lie there for a long time wide awake and not fuss, and she was awake all night for 3 or 4 days straight. Then, of course, she slept all day becuase she was exhausted. I was trying to rack my brain and figure out what could be bothering her. I set up her little music player on her portable crib, it plays clasical music, and has relaxing nature sounds. It also vibrates hard enough so that she can feel the vibrations when she is lying in the crib. That seemed to help a little, along with a pacifier, but she was still fussing on and off all night. I was thinking that it could possibly be her meds, but she takes the same meds in the morn and has no problems. The only thing she takes at night are her poly-vitamins, so I thought this might be the problem. I remember when she was in the NICU they said the vitamins can upset the babies stomachs. I switched the time I give her the vitamins from 9 pm to 12pm. I gave her the other meds at 9 like usual and put her to bed. She fussed a little bit on and off until 12:30 fell asleep until 5, ate, then slept until 10. I had also left the TV on, because Josh suggested she might be so used to the noise and light during the day that it could be upsetting to have it so dark and quiet. Who knows if it is a big coincidence or not that she slept ok, we'll just have to wait and see.


Her appointment with Dr. Cairns, the pulmonary doctor was on Monday of this week. Josh wasn't available to come with me, so this was the first time I had to take her to an appointment myself. I can carry all her stuff with two hands, it's just a matter of positioning everything on my arms in a comfortable way. It was heavy and awkward, but I was able to handle it. First thing they did was weigh her and she was 7 pounds 9, so up a couple ounces since the nurse checked her out a couple days prior. They also took her length which was 20 inches. She aksed me if she had any episodes such as de-sats, coughing and spitting up when she's eating etc. She said her lungs sounded great and she had no pulling or retracting when she takes a breath. She looked fine, but they wanted to keep her on the O2 for another month, then check back. When Lilah goes back in for her follow-up, they will probably have me start taking her off during the day and see how she does. I was a little dissapointed that we couldn't try this now, but we're getting there. She also wanted me to continue her meds, and get some bloodwork done to check her electrolytes, to make sure her diuretics aren't depleting her potassium and sodium and such. They will also check to make sure she isn't getting too much potassium.


Moving on to this week, she had another session with Lisa, who was really excited to see that she was awake again. Two week in a row! She said to me wow she's a totally different baby when she is awake and alert. She had her on her belly to see if she would do some head lifts. She lifted her head pretty far up and turned it side to side, she said this was really good progress. She also noticed that Lilah seemed to be getting more comfortable being on her belly, she HATED it before. Susan came in today, and was pleased to see her awake. This was the first time she worked with her when she was awake. Susan is so great with her, and was telling her how pretty she was and going on and on about her pretty eyes and lips. She had her moving her head mainly to the right, because this is where all the tightness is, You can tell how it bothers her when we move it to that side. Again this is the side her shunt is on. She doesn't think it's the shunt itself that is tender because when you press on it, it doesn't bother her. It almost seems that there is a certain point that it hurts her when she is turning her head, then when she is past that point she is ok. She had her on her belly and she did more head lifts. She also had her on her back and had her tracking objects with her eyes and getting her to move her head over to the right side. She did rather well with this. She also seemed to prefer to look towards the window, maybe because it is so bright over there. She also seems to respond better to bright colorful toys then noisy ones. She told me to try to get her to turn her head by putting objects over there for her to look at. She showed me how positioning her arm extended out and the other arm pulled close to her body caused her to turn her head. This is a reflex thing. It's pretty cool that you can control her head movements by positioning her arms. She was also impressed with her progress, and we will continue to work on all the things we talked about. Putting all this medical stuff aside, she is an absolute joy to have around. I could be in the crappiest mood and I just have to look at her and it instantly cheers me up. She is extremely easy going and has such a sweet disposition. She is starting to get a little personality, and I am excited to see her progression and growth in the upcoming months.

A Good Week for Miss Lilah...

Lilah had another busy week full of therapy and appountments. She had her shunt check-up with Dr. Wilson on Thursday. Josh left work and was able to accompany me, thank god, because again there were many things to carry. I will be so elated when she is off the oxygen and monitor. Every body was super nice at the docs. We had to bring Ethan because I couldn't find a sitter, and Dr. Wilson's staff were very kind to him. They gave him stickers and talked with him and asked him questions. I was in the office for quite awhile when the neurosurgeon walked in, but it wasn't Dr. Wilson, it was another doctor I had never metr. I guess he works there with Dr. Wilson. He checked out her shunt and where her incision was and said everything looked good, but didn't really elaborate. He asked if she had any seizure activity, and I told him no. I did mention that she has a slight leg tremor. The way I explained it was when you scratch a dog and they thump their leg, it's kind of like that. She seems to only do it when she's stretching. He asked me if I had a follow-up with Dr. Allen (the neurologist) and I said no. He told me that he didn't think it was something to be concerned about. I did some research on this and read that this can be a common thing in preemies and even babies so that put my mind a little at ease. I also read that tremors can be a sign of brain damage too, but I think I am reading into things more than I should just because of the possible trauma her brain might have sustained. So anyways he left and Dr. Wilson came in, He is one of the nicest Doctors I have encountered on this journey. He puts his hand on your shoulders and looks you straight in the eye, and really makes you feel comfortable and at ease. He is the type that calls everyone hun ( : So he takes one look at her and immediately says This is exactly what we want to see, no swelling, no fluid build-up, absolutely perfect. He said he was so pleased with how everything looked. He siad her belly incision looked beautiful, and it seemed like everything was going great. He told me there was of course still a chance of failure or infection, and went over the list of signs to look for. He wanted to see her in six months for a cat scan and follow-up. He told me all I needed to do now was go home and love her. I tild him I would have no problem doing that ( :







Her visiting nurse Megan came on Wedneday, and did the typical routine of taking vitals, and weighing her etc. Her scale said she weighed 7 pounds 1 ounce, and if that were accurate would mean she only gained an ounce since her doctor appointment the previous week. She said that it could be that their scales are slightly different, or they might have not lifted her oxygen monitor cord up. Anyways she will be weighed with the same scale this week so I am hoping for a good weight gain, she has been eating like a little pig so I would assume she gained. She asked me how her sleeping and eating was going and I told her it was going well. She took a head circumference which was 34.5 so that is good it hasn't gone up. It ended up being 35 the folowing day at Dr. Wilsons, but she said that people can take the measurements slightly different so a half a centimeter usually means nothing. She said Lilah looked good, and she will be back the following week.





Her PT Lisa came on Thursday, but wasn't able to do too much with her due to Lilah being off in dreamland as usual. She did say that her hips seemed better, and her hamstrings a little looser, so she said I was doing a good job with the exercises. Lilah wasn't too happy with Lisa's therapy session she kept crying everytime she did something, then when she would stop she would go back to sleep. She was putting her on her belly to try to get her to lift her head up, and push up on her shoulders, this strengthens the shoulder muscles, but again all Lilah wanted to do was sleep. She said usually at this age they will stay awake for the session because they're being poked and prodded, not Lilah though, she has her own plans. She stressed to me how important "tummy time" is for shoulder strength, and head control, and to make sure I have her do this whenever possible. She also told me to continue with the exercises we had talked about. Her OT Susan called me that morning and told me that her and Lisa discussed that it would be best if they both came every week (which I had already been informed of by Lisa) I told her I thought that was a good idea too, and I would see her on Wednesday, she said she wasn't able to make it that week, but she would come this week.





Friday I took a ride up to Augusta, to pick up my friend Shaina. I know her from Mass, but her dad lives way up in northern Maine, and she was visting him. Her step mom drove her down about 6 hours to meet me in Augusta which is about an hour and fifteen minutes north from me. I decided to take Lilah with me, to see how she would do on an extended trip, she did good,slept the whole way, big surprise. Shaina has a 6 month old baby named Sierra, so Lilah had a little playmate. Of course Lilah seemed like a peanut compared to her, not only because Lilah is so small for her age, but because Sierra is really big. She weighs 19 pounds, so she's a little chunky, but soooo adorable. All she wanted to do was grab at Lilah and eat her hands haha. We all took a trip down to Old Orchard beach Friday night. We took the kids to the arcade down there, and I just wheeled Lilah around in her carriage while Josh played with the kids. Luckily the place was deserted to there was plenty of room for Lilah's huge carriage. Lilah slept through her first big outing of course. She had also taken a short trip to the mall with me that week, so she had a very adventurous week. It feels great to take her out and treat her like a "normal baby" I am getting more comfortable with getting her ready and taking her out. I don't have that feeling of oh she's so fragile, I think we should just stay home with her. It was nice walking around with her in her carriage, and showing her off to everybody, athough she has raised some eyebrows, with her oxygen tank and monitor in tow lol She has PT and OT this week and Megan her nurse is coming. I also have a planned trip to Chuck E. Cheese with her and the kids, do I will update st the end of the week.

So I had a long and eventful week to say the least. I barely have a minute to sleep and breathe let alone blog. As I previously wrote, Lilah had her Occupational Therapy appointment on Wednesday, followed by a check-up at her pediatricians. Her Occupational Therapist is a real sweet lady named Susan I instantly liked her, and she was so good with Lilah. Right off the bat she asked me if I had any concerns, and I told her the only thing was how she stiffened up her legs, and didn't seem to bend them in a fetal position. She said this was a totally normal preemie thing. When they come out early they haven't quite learned how to be in that fetal position, she was born before she ran out of room, so her arms and legs were outstretched. She told me that everytime I caught her doing this, gently push them into the fetal position, this basically trains the brain to do it on it's own. She had a long list of milestones that we would check off as she did them. She has accomplished a couple of them already which is good since technically she is only a week. That is the age she kept associating with Lilah because that is how old she would of been if she had been born on time. That is why they will give her a couple month window as far as reaching her milestones. I told her that the doc gave her a 50 to 60% chance of Cerebral Palsy, so I am sure she will be looking for signs of that as soon as she can. So far she said she didn't see anything that would cause her concern. She set up an appointment for the following week and left. I sat around for a couple hours then started to get ready for her doc appointment. This in itself is no easy task. I had to make three trips to the car to carry everything I needed for her. Thankfully Josh was able to come with me, because it's not like
I can make three trips to the car once I arrive at the docs. The previous couple of days I had been worried about her because she seemed extra fussy and gassy. She was not eating nearly as much as she was when she first came home. My biggest fear was that she was not going to be able to gain weight while she was at home. I had never been to this pediatrician before, I had to switch all my doctors when Josh was laid off because all the docs we had gone to won't except MaineCare. They are affiliated with Maine Med the hospital I gave birth at. Dr. Landes is the name of her doc. I like her a lot she is friendly and took the time to answer all my questions thouroughly. I was also pleased to find out that she already had Lilah's history there in the computers and pretty much knew everything about her. It saved a lot of time explaining things, I'm sure. Since all the docs are affiliated with Maine Med, they all communicate with each other on a regular basis. She knew when all her follow-up appointments were, and with who. The same with her visting nurse, OT, and PT. They also talk to her docs and to each other, and figure out the best plan of action. This also means no refferals, beacuse again they're affiliated. The nurse weighed her, and I was relieved to see that she weighed 7 pounds, she was 6 pounds 10 ounces when she was weighed by the vistiting nurse exactly one week prior. I mentioned the lack of appetite, and the bad gas pains she seems to get. I mean sometimes she seems like she is in excrutiating pain. She said newborns go through spells where their appetite slows down considerably. She also mentioned how the hot weather can sometimes make them eat less, the past couple days were in the upper 80's. She said as long as she's passing the gas, then she will be ok, it is when they don't pass it that it can pose a problem. I also told her that she only goes to the bathroom every couple days or so, and by the time that comes around she is really uncomfortable, she said this is because preemies haven't fully developed the stomach muscles that help push everything out, so it may be harder for her to go. She also has a herniated belly button, which she said will get better on it's own, and it may get worse before it gets better. I always thought her belly button looked funny, but I just thought she just had an outie. She showed me her growth on the charts, and she isn't even on it ( : but she said as long as she is following her own growth curve it is fine, and usually you will see them on the charts at 6 months to a year. She estimated that if she were born on time, she would be in the 50 percentile which would be perfect. Lilah was given her immunizations, so now she is up to date. A hip ultrasound was ordered by Dr. Landes because of her extreme breech position, she said while they felt ok, she wanted to make sure. She said considering all that she has been through she looks great.





The next day was Physical Therapy, and she was scheduled to come around 11:30. Her name is Lisa, and I didn't like her as much as her OT, she wasn't nearly as friendly, she was pretty much all business. She was excellent with Lilah though, and that is all I care about. She noticed that her hamstrings were tight, and that her hips felt ok but seemed a bit shallow. She showed me many exercises to do to loosen everything up, and to get the hip to rest nicely in the socket. This includes laying her on her tummy and puttin her legs in the froggy postition to help the hips. She also told me to roll up a blanket and put it behind her back while she is laying sideways. This helps the hips also. Both the OT and PT discussed with me exercices to strengthen her neck muscles so she will be able to hold her head up ok. This involves putting her on her tummy and putting an object in front of her head to try to get her to lift her head and look at it. It also helps when she is awake, to sit her up right on my lap, and not support her head, so she will try to keep it up herself. She has been doing a pretty good job at this. The OT and PT were going to speak amongst themselves to determine how often they would be coming in. At first they discussed alternating every week, but after evaluating her thought it would be best that they both come in once a week. This is also subject to change throughout the upcoming months, as seen fit. They told me that I'm the boss and if I feel it is too much, or to intrusive, I can ask them to cut back. If I feel she has had enough therapy for the day, or it seems to be stressing her out I have the right to have them stop. I asked them to estimate how long they would be coming in for, and she said they will be coming until they get her mobile, which pretty much means walking (if that is realistic for her). So all in all a busy week for miss Lilah.





Off the topic of Lilah for a moment, I wanted to mention the loss of my dear cat Ginger. Josh found her on the side of the road on his way to work Monday morning, apparently she had been hit by a car. When Josh called me with the news I was so devastated, I had never had an animal that I cared so much for, it also felt like another blow on top of everything else. My first instinct was to spare my children the pain, so I told him that I didn't want to tell them, that we would just say she ran away. Of course after I thought about it I knew we would have to tell them. It would of been cruel for them to constantly wonder where she was, and when she was coming back. In telling them, it would give them closure, they could grieve and move on. I thought it would be nice that we could bury her in the back yard, and they would be able to "visit" her whenever they felt sad. I had the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach all day knowing we would have to tell then when Josh came home. I wanted to leave and leave him to do the dirty work, because I can't stand seeing them upset. I knew it would be the hardest on Chevelle, because she is super sensitive, and a huge animal lover. She cries when an animal she barely knows dies. I won't go into details, but it was gut wrenching to witness their reaction, and I hope it is a long long time before I have to do that again. I knew after they buried her, that it was a good lesson on grief and death, and that it is a lesson everyone has to learn at some point in their lives. I unfortunately, have known from a very early age about pain and loss, so of course I wanted to keep that from them as long as possible. Most people think I could write the book on grief, but in my oppinion it is the complete opposite. I am the type that puts it in the back of my mind, doesn't think about it or talk about it, and I pretty much pretend it never happened. I know this is so unhealthy, but believe me this is the only way I get through my days. That and finding sick humor in everything ( : I am grateful my kids were able to experience and go through the normal stages of grieving.



On a lighter note, it was Memorial Day weekend this weekend, and the in-laws came up. We had a cookout yesterday, with family and friends, and it was just a fun relaxing day. Lilah had her first trip outside, if you don't count the trip home from the hospital and to the docs. I figured the fresh air would do her good. I couldn't tell if she enjoyed it or not, because she slept through the whole thing. Memorial day we had another cook out because Kristie and Kate, and my bro-in-law and father-in-law came up. It was another beautiful day, and Josh was able to be there, so that was a plus. It was a day that made you feel grateful for family and friends, and lucky that we have such a wonderful support system. I have included some pics of her first big outing and holiday (that she was present for). Lilah has a busy week full of therapy and appointments, so I will try to blog at the end of the week to catch everybody up.





SHE LOVES THE OUTDOORS, SHE'S SMILING ( :










AUNTIE KRISTIN HOLDING HER

ALL DRESSED UP AS A BALLERINA ON MEMORIAL DAY LOL